Friday, March 17, 2017

Vulnerability Under Stress

Panic attack strikes again.

"Life throws you lemons. You make lemonade."
Easier said than done. Sometimes the lemons that life throws at me are so sour that they sting my eyes, they make me tear up, they make me feel defeated, and they make me feel like the world is going to end in that moment.

The weeks on end of radical self help and attempt at improvement has really helped, I think. Compared to the state I was in a few weeks ago. But this isn't something that can be fixed in a few short weeks. My anxiety is caused by deep rooted bad habits and my pessimistic mind's inclination to catastrophize very scenario until I corner myself and render myself useless. Upon realizing today that I really have no one else to rely on for things like these and in frantic, helpless moments like these other than... myself, my panic attack struck hard.

"Life throws you lemons."
Sometimes it IS like that, LIFE, THROWS lemons at you. You didn't ask for those lemons, you didn't ask for life to throw them at you, but it just does, and it throws these sour lemons at you when you think you are starting to do all the right things finally and things are going to be better. And then Bam! Sour fucking lemons in the face. What do you do? You can choose to be like me, become completely useless and self blame and dwell, or you can pick up those fucking sour lemons and throw it back at life. I'm currently writing this in attempt to convince myself to do just that.

My breathing is more contained now, I feel a little less fucking crazy, and looking back now, I was actually already doing the right things to throw those sour lemons back at life. But why didn't I give myself credit in those moments? I took immediate attention when I realized I had failed to apply for something that would require a bit of time and jumped on it right away. I called corresponding parties to inquire whether the remaining days would be enough time if I had taken action immediately now. They told me it should be okay. All I had to do was start and finish, even though the schedule is tight, but it's not un-doable. Things are fine then right? Nope, my mind continued to race and my heart palpitated with a tempo that rushed a shit load of blood into my brain, all of which led to my panic attack mentioned above. In moments like these I always feel SO ALONE. I feel useless, I feel like crying, I feel like I need someone to be there for me. But I failed to see that I am actually REALLY STRONG, and SMART. I knew what to do to try to fix the problem at hand, and I knew I had to put in hard work for something that might not even work out, and I also knew that I would be okay to take the responsibilities if that was the case. BUT. I didn't give myself credit for knowing all of that. My mind immediately went to look for comfort externally, when really, deep inside, I already took care of myself, I already took the actions necessary to prevent any more mistakes being made.

"Life throws you lemons."
I already knew how to make that lemonade. Maybe it's a sour lemonade, but I had it in myself to make something out of it. I just didn't and wasn't able to see it.

I'm understanding a bit more about myself each day, and every day I'm growing a bit stronger.
This, I think, is learning to love myself.

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